We’d love it if you’d start by sharing a few key predictors of relationship success.
Expressing at least five times as much positivity and warmth to negativity is very important. We can think of this as making “deposits” in your relationship “bank account,” which can help create a surplus of positivity to draw upon when the inevitable challenges and conflicts arise. Another specific form of positivity that is important is what scholars John and Julie Gottman describe as “turning toward” vs. “turning away” or “against.” This involves engaging with your partner in various small ways that really add up over time in their impact. It means responding to and acknowledging your partner when he or she says things like, “It’s such a nice day out today!” In this case, turning toward might simply mean saying, “Yes, it sure is,” whereas turning away would mean ignoring your partner and saying nothing. Turning against would involve reacting with a negative or hostile response, such as snapping at your partner, “What’s nice about it!” Turning toward also involves taking care to greet one’s partner warmly when they return home and saying goodbye when one or both partners leave. Departures and reunions are common times when partners tend to either turn toward or away from each other. And finally, successful couples tend to have a strong sense of being a “we” vs. being two separate individuals. This can be observed in how couples talk about themselves and their relationship. When I assess this with couples that I work with in my clinical work, I literally observe how often each partner uses pronouns like “we,” “us,” and “our,” as opposed to “I,” “me,” “mine,” “you,” and “yours.” Couples who are happy and stable have a sense of functioning as a team and their language reflects this.
Another finding that has emerged from Gottmans’ research and that I see play out in my clinical work with couples is how successful couples manage to communicate “complaints” rather than criticism. In this framework, complaints involve bringing up issues and concerns with one’s partner, but framing these issues in terms of specific things that the partner did or did not do, rather than blaming the partner’s character or core personality. We can think of this as focusing on the behavior rather than the person. Communicating complaints rather than criticism prevents unnecessary conflicts and makes it much less likely that one’s partner responds defensively.
What about predictors of divorce and dissatisfaction?
Perhaps not surprisingly, how a conflict starts really sets the tone for how it is likely to progress. Couples who have a “harsh start-up” to conflicts or disagreements rather than a gentle “ease-in” are much more likely to experience toxic, escalating conflicts with each other. As mentioned earlier, couples who “fight fair” are not immune to negativity, but they manage to keep the level of negativity in check. If one partner says something negative, a partner in a successful couple might match the same level of negativity but manages to prevent “upping the ante” by saying something even more hostile than what their partner just said. In contrast, couples who frequently engage in escalating negativity with each other are much more likely to experience problems down the road in their relationship.
One of the best-known findings from John Gottman’s research is what he ominously labeled the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” This dramatic title was given because of the finding that when all four of these toxic communication patterns are present for a couple when engaging in conflict, this predicts divorce with approximately 95 percent accuracy. What are these destructive communication patterns? They include criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Criticism and defensiveness often go hand-in-hand, resulting in a negative “attack-defend” mode of interacting with Partner A blaming Partner B, Partner B reacting defensively and counter-criticizing Partner A, triggering Partner A ’s defensiveness and countercriticism. And the cycle often goes on and on.
Stonewalling can be thought of as a negative or hostile form of disengagement. Common expressions include falling silent and shutting down, literally turning away from one’s partner or, in more dramatic cases, storming out of the room. Stonewalling is more likely to happen when a partner is feeling physiologically activated or “flooded” (think fight, flight, or freeze). This has important implications since it highlights that finding ways to prevent this physiological flooding or taking breaks in an argument to calm down (and then return back to the conversation) can be very helpful.
Of the Four Horsemen, contempt is by far the most toxic and destructive. This can be expressed in various verbal and nonverbal ways, including eye-rolling, biting sarcasm or mocking, and expressions of disgust toward one’s partner. Many couples show some of the Four Horsemen at some points. In fact, it is hard in a long-term relationship to completely prevent all of these. But couples for whom contempt becomes a more common occurrence for one or both partners are often in serious trouble when it comes to risk for divorce or dissolution.
Is there anything a couple can do if they are headed into the “danger zone” of their relationship?
Thankfully, there is a “secret weapon” couples can use to de-escalate conflict and counter any or all of the Four Horsemen when they show up. This comes in the form of “repair attempts,” which involve various strategies that serve the function of regrouping as a couple and shifting the dynamic from “fighting” against each other to collaborating with each other against whatever problem is arising in the relationship. Common examples include the use of warm, connecting humor to lighten things up (if and only if one’s partner is open to this), apologizing and taking responsibility for one’s own contribution to the conflict at hand, or even saying something like, “Can I call a truce?” Couples who are at high risk for divorce or dissolution tend to not engage in repair attempts, and they don’t respond positively to their partner when he or she initiates them. As a result, conflicts are more likely to escalate, and the Four Horsemen are more likely to creep in and then gain a foothold.
Are there any other insights from your clinical practice you’d like to share?
I would start by highlighting the central role of forgiveness in maintaining and repairing relationships. The reality is that long-term relationships are going to inevitably involve hurts, big and little, unintentional or otherwise. Finding a way to reach a place of forgiveness is critical to prevent these hurts from growing into resentment, lingering anger, and bitterness, which will erode not only the relationship but also the physical and mental health of the partner who holds on to these negative emotions.
Now, to be clear, I am not suggesting that a partner should “put up” with egregious behaviors such as abuse, coercive power, or neglect. There are certainly some situations in which the appropriate and healthy response is to exit a relationship. But, even in cases of severe wrongs or where the relationship ends, I would say that eventually coming to a place of forgiveness is an important part of that partner’s healing journey. This is because forgiveness, as I define it, is really about letting go of toxic negative emotions that eat us up inside. Forgiveness does not mean denying the pain or suffering that someone else has caused us. And it doesn’t mean condoning their behavior. But to not forgive is akin to swallowing poison and hoping that the other person who has wronged us gets sick and dies. Ultimately, when we forgive, it is ourselves we are “letting off the hook,” not the person who has wronged us.
A second insight that I would want to share with readers is the power of acceptance of one’s partner—as well as accepting oneself, for that matter. Over the years, I have come to see that one of the biggest and most pervasive problems in intimate relationships is not feeling fully accepted for who one is by their partner. So often, couples who come to see me for therapy take the perspective (at least initially) that, if only their partner would change, then everything would be great in their life. Interestingly, I have found that adopting this perspective paradoxically tends to make it less likely that their partner is able and willing to make the changes that they are wanting and hoping for. It’s almost as if our resistance and lack of full acceptance “locks in” the partner into old habits and patterns. Conversely, when a partner is able to make the shift to more fully accept their partner just as they are, this can unlock the door to that partner being able to make important personal changes. This also works for individuals. When I can help facilitate increased self-acceptance, this can pave the way for the person to make the kind of changes that make it easier for them to love and accept themselves. Being able to embrace a paradox that I first encountered in a book by Sebene Selassie (entitled You Belong) is very helpful here, which is “You are perfect just as you are…And you could use some improvement.” Adopting this perspective with our partners and ourselves can be very helpful.
A third insight is the importance of letting go of being “WaRPeD” with our romantic partners. This is an acronym that emerged from my observations of a recurrent set of problematic behaviors and motivations among couples who are at risk for divorce or dissolution. The acronym stands for the (felt) need to Win, to be Right, to Persuade, and to Defend. After seeing these issues come up repeatedly in my work with couples, one day it dawned on me that the first letters of each of these key words spelled, “warped,” which I thought was very fitting (and it makes it easier to remember). I think these issues are pretty straightforward, so I won’t say much about them, except to highlight a few key points. First, when it comes to our intimate relationships, if one partner “wins” and the other partner “loses,” the relationship always loses. Shifting away from trying to “win” arguments and instead seeking to collaborate, understand, and find mutually acceptable resolutions (at least for resolvable conflicts) will serve couples well. The need to be right is a close cousin to the need to win and results in trying to make the other partner “wrong.” When this happens, the relationship always suffers, and this directly interferes with acceptance. The need to persuade reflects a combination of clinging too tightly to one’s own views, perceptions, and memories and adopting a stance that is really about control of one’s partner, rather than understanding, collaboration, and acceptance. And I’ve already highlighted how defensiveness is one of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. So, that’s obviously helpful to prevent as much as possible.
A final insight that I would share from my clinical work is the importance of letting go of the myth of certainty when it comes to our own perceptions and memories. Common misperceptions of perceptions and memory is that our brain accurately records “what happens,” stores these events as memories, and then we access those memories and “play back” the recording. The reality is that our memories are constructive and reconstructive, influenced heavily by our emotions and the context at the time that the memory is stored. And every time that we access a given memory, it is modified and reconstructed, influenced by our thoughts, emotions, and context at the time that we access that memory. As such, cognitive neuroscientists have said that the only pure, unadulterated memory is one that has never been accessed. And, even then, the original memory is still constructed, rather than being an undisputed “fact.” In relationships, many of the conflicts that arise between partners result from believing that they are right.
You talked about the power of mindfulness. What does that mean?
I would describe mindfulness (using an oft-quoted definition by Jon Kabat-Zinn) as “paying attention to the present moment, on purpose, non-judgmentally.” Although mindfulness has become quite a popular buzzword, it is far from “new,” and it actually involves principles and practices that have been around for at least 2600 years, since before the time of the Buddha.
Over the past 15 years, mindfulness has become a more central part of my clinical practice because I have increasingly seen how helpful its principles and practices are for so many different challenges and issues that individuals and couples face in their lives, promoting increased acceptance of self and others, positive emotional states such as joy, peace, and contentment, and decreased emotional reactivity, judgment, and anger. Hopefully, given what I have already said about factors that lead relationships to “thrive” or “dive,” readers can readily recognize how helpful these benefits of mindfulness could be to promote “thriving” rather than “diving” with one’s partner. Taking the Four Horsemen, for example, I have found that judgment and emotional reactivity are at the root of these destructive behaviors. So, having a framework of mindfulness with key principles, practices, and techniques that directly decrease judgment and emotional reactivity is a powerful ally in preventing or dissipating these destructive behaviors. The same can be said for preventing harsh start-ups or escalating conflict, and mindfulness can help with boosting the kind of positive emotions that promote a higher ratio of positivity, expressions of fondness and admiration, a greater sense of “we” as a couple, and forgiveness.
Any other last words of wisdom when it comes to relationships?
I would just end by encouraging readers not to hesitate to seek out professional help and/or self-help resources when needed or—even better–sooner than needed. My favorite couples to work with are those who seek help before things get dire. It is a lot easier to steer a ship to safety before it gets too close to a cascading waterfall. Addressing issues before they become entrenched is much more likely to be met with success than waiting until problems become severe. In addition to couples therapy with a qualified professional, there are other great options, such as weekend workshops for couples (I particularly recommend workshops that are based on John and Julie Gottman’s approach). A great self-help resource that I would recommend is the Gottmans’ book entitled, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. And for those readers interested in mindfulness resources, I would recommend Thich Nhat Hanh’s book, You Are Here, as well as one of the many mindfulness meditation apps that are available. Some of my favorites are Insight Timer, Headspace, Calm, and 10% Happier.
